Dog days and cat lives,
Jumping off roofs and through hoops,
Fitting in a bowl would be easy,
But floating through life is fun.
Salt water mesh on the bathroom tiles,
And undergarments strewn across the boundaries,
Blood on the lips,
Flowing upwards till it flies,
Passing by petty clouds and foams.
Cold, soothing, it touches arms,
and resurrects;
What's left of it will never know what was.

The cigarette drooped between her loosely held fingers. The ash did a free fall on the wrinkled bed sheet. Her eyes were tightly shut while her body convulsed with suppressed sobs. She hardly heard the song that was screaming for attention and adamantly played on in her ears. She was lost, lost in a determination to overcome the all consuming nothingness. 

Happy thoughts. Yes. Think of happy thoughts. Chocolate cake. Truffles. The aroma of a freshly baked cake. The way a good pen feels in your hand. Smell of books. Reading books. Friends. Smiles. Long chats. Clouds. The moon in all its glory. Darkness. The feeling of someone beside you when alone in your mind. Someone...

No. Not someone. Not anyone. Wrong turn sweetheart. Nothing but nothingness ahead. Make a u-turn. Now now NOW! 

She lifted her head and jerked her eyes open. A Tear drop slid down her cheeks on the sly. She noticed that the cigarette had breathed its last and was about to kiss her fingers a hot, burning warning. She put it out. 

Her throat was dry. She got up and walked a few paces in the dark hoping to stumble across the cursed water bottle so that she could give up switching on the lights. She stumbled. God Dammit! Who keeps all this junk lying around? Oh, it's the bottle.

Her thirst quenched, she started thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.Her head spun. Lie down moron. You need rest. But she failed to recall why she was this tired. She had done nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she had not even done the ordinary in a few days. 

She lit another cigarette. Resting her back against the wall, she looked at the shadows that played on  the opposite wall. she hated it how it was never completely dark anymore. There was always some light or the other creeping in through the window or under the door.Always! She flickd ash in the ashtray by her side and hummed a song. Then she started singing out loud. 

Now she was sleepy. she put out the cigarette, moved the ashtray to a far corner of the bed and placed her pillow at one side of the bed. She fumbled around for her ipod and found that the earphones had entangled themselves quite happily with each other. Not bothering to untangle it wholly, she put them in her ears and hit the play button. 

And Iiiiii will allways love youuuu...

She closed her eyes, smiling at the irony of it all. 

Note to a brat

Remember when we used to save bubble wrap for later? I cheated. A lot. When you weren't around, I walked over to the closet and popped a few. I never felt guilty much. I will never know why. Doing something that would spite you gave me this satisfaction inside. I was winning.  I never understood what game we were playing or why it was so important to win. I popped bubble wrap all the same. 

When I got angry at you, I would  always ruin your stuff. I felt guilty later, but I never showed that emotion. I know you felt bad. I know you didn't say much of that either. We got an earful from Ma, and then I would adamantly sit alone and show all my rudeness to the world. I don't know why I did it, but I did feel bad. 

I was jealous a lot. You were the soft spoken one, the better looking one, the intelligent one. I was rude, headstrong, stuck to all the wrong things I said and did. I was lonely. I did not tell. I wanted to be popular while I was shunned by the kids 'coz my legs looked funny. I hated school. You couldn't get enough of it. 

I never liked home much. I liked to sleep with Dida, clinging on to her. I was precious at that place. That place was mine. It still is. 

We always gave up each other's secrets to Ma, to put the other one down. I never liked you much while growing up. I don't know if siblings grow up fighting as much as we did. I did not tell you all the things that bothered me. All that I wished to be and never did. I hated being the way I was. I hated my school. I hated everything around me and I was angry all the time. I don't know how everyone saw me, but I saw a little girl who was different from others and who never got picked for anything, couldn't play because she was sick all the time, did not make good grades after she hit puberty, did not shine when all the fire in her was bursting at the seams. I still don't know why I gave up your secrets. I think a little part of me wanted your life. 

When we grew up, we understood the point of not fighting. I kept your  secrets, never told you mine. We grew up in the same house, but in different directions. you never got me although you thought you did. I got you plenty but did not like all of it. 

I made a lot of mistakes growing up, some you knew, some you never will. But bygones are bygones. I know you think I can still make mistakes and not know. Maybe I will, but I don't think so. I cannot learn from your mistakes and you cannot learn from mine. All we can do is watch and wait. 

I've been away for two years. I have grown up. I have changed. I know you don't know how to deal with me any more  But I know you won't understand what I have become. I do not like that you don't broaden your horizons. I don't like that you stay under this nasty façade of bad humour and sarcasm and saying things that you do not mean. You know, I am still jealous of your potential. You never had to work as hard as I did. You are more intelligent than I am. I just wish you'd used it. 

I don't think we will become what others have. I don't think we can be as far apart as some people we know. I just wanted to say that thinking something and knowing something has a huge gap, and when you don't know something, assumptions make for bad relationships. 

I do not know why I am writing this. I do not know what I really wanted to say. I just know that having a sibling has it's own benefits but everyone needs to walk a mile to get somewhere. Understanding begets understanding. Ponder over it.