Remember when we used to save bubble wrap for later? I cheated. A lot. When you weren't around, I walked over to the closet and popped a few. I never felt guilty much. I will never know why. Doing something that would spite you gave me this satisfaction inside. I was winning. I never understood what game we were playing or why it was so important to win. I popped bubble wrap all the same.
When I got angry at you, I would always ruin your stuff. I felt guilty later, but I never showed that emotion. I know you felt bad. I know you didn't say much of that either. We got an earful from Ma, and then I would adamantly sit alone and show all my rudeness to the world. I don't know why I did it, but I did feel bad.
I was jealous a lot. You were the soft spoken one, the better looking one, the intelligent one. I was rude, headstrong, stuck to all the wrong things I said and did. I was lonely. I did not tell. I wanted to be popular while I was shunned by the kids 'coz my legs looked funny. I hated school. You couldn't get enough of it.
I never liked home much. I liked to sleep with Dida, clinging on to her. I was precious at that place. That place was mine. It still is.
We always gave up each other's secrets to Ma, to put the other one down. I never liked you much while growing up. I don't know if siblings grow up fighting as much as we did. I did not tell you all the things that bothered me. All that I wished to be and never did. I hated being the way I was. I hated my school. I hated everything around me and I was angry all the time. I don't know how everyone saw me, but I saw a little girl who was different from others and who never got picked for anything, couldn't play because she was sick all the time, did not make good grades after she hit puberty, did not shine when all the fire in her was bursting at the seams. I still don't know why I gave up your secrets. I think a little part of me wanted your life.
When we grew up, we understood the point of not fighting. I kept your secrets, never told you mine. We grew up in the same house, but in different directions. you never got me although you thought you did. I got you plenty but did not like all of it.
I made a lot of mistakes growing up, some you knew, some you never will. But bygones are bygones. I know you think I can still make mistakes and not know. Maybe I will, but I don't think so. I cannot learn from your mistakes and you cannot learn from mine. All we can do is watch and wait.
I've been away for two years. I have grown up. I have changed. I know you don't know how to deal with me any more But I know you won't understand what I have become. I do not like that you don't broaden your horizons. I don't like that you stay under this nasty façade of bad humour and sarcasm and saying things that you do not mean. You know, I am still jealous of your potential. You never had to work as hard as I did. You are more intelligent than I am. I just wish you'd used it.
I don't think we will become what others have. I don't think we can be as far apart as some people we know. I just wanted to say that thinking something and knowing something has a huge gap, and when you don't know something, assumptions make for bad relationships.
I do not know why I am writing this. I do not know what I really wanted to say. I just know that having a sibling has it's own benefits but everyone needs to walk a mile to get somewhere. Understanding begets understanding. Ponder over it.
When I got angry at you, I would always ruin your stuff. I felt guilty later, but I never showed that emotion. I know you felt bad. I know you didn't say much of that either. We got an earful from Ma, and then I would adamantly sit alone and show all my rudeness to the world. I don't know why I did it, but I did feel bad.
I was jealous a lot. You were the soft spoken one, the better looking one, the intelligent one. I was rude, headstrong, stuck to all the wrong things I said and did. I was lonely. I did not tell. I wanted to be popular while I was shunned by the kids 'coz my legs looked funny. I hated school. You couldn't get enough of it.
I never liked home much. I liked to sleep with Dida, clinging on to her. I was precious at that place. That place was mine. It still is.
We always gave up each other's secrets to Ma, to put the other one down. I never liked you much while growing up. I don't know if siblings grow up fighting as much as we did. I did not tell you all the things that bothered me. All that I wished to be and never did. I hated being the way I was. I hated my school. I hated everything around me and I was angry all the time. I don't know how everyone saw me, but I saw a little girl who was different from others and who never got picked for anything, couldn't play because she was sick all the time, did not make good grades after she hit puberty, did not shine when all the fire in her was bursting at the seams. I still don't know why I gave up your secrets. I think a little part of me wanted your life.
When we grew up, we understood the point of not fighting. I kept your secrets, never told you mine. We grew up in the same house, but in different directions. you never got me although you thought you did. I got you plenty but did not like all of it.
I made a lot of mistakes growing up, some you knew, some you never will. But bygones are bygones. I know you think I can still make mistakes and not know. Maybe I will, but I don't think so. I cannot learn from your mistakes and you cannot learn from mine. All we can do is watch and wait.
I've been away for two years. I have grown up. I have changed. I know you don't know how to deal with me any more But I know you won't understand what I have become. I do not like that you don't broaden your horizons. I don't like that you stay under this nasty façade of bad humour and sarcasm and saying things that you do not mean. You know, I am still jealous of your potential. You never had to work as hard as I did. You are more intelligent than I am. I just wish you'd used it.
I don't think we will become what others have. I don't think we can be as far apart as some people we know. I just wanted to say that thinking something and knowing something has a huge gap, and when you don't know something, assumptions make for bad relationships.
I do not know why I am writing this. I do not know what I really wanted to say. I just know that having a sibling has it's own benefits but everyone needs to walk a mile to get somewhere. Understanding begets understanding. Ponder over it.
