Don’t bring anyone else down with you. That’s what goes through the mind of an anxiety prone depressed individual, who is striving to care. Striving to belong. Striving to understand the notions of companionship, friendship, social conduct and other things that seem vague and caricature-ish to her.

She woke up with her mind full of the things she had seen all through the night; believing it; despising it; yet so unable to get out of it. Everything she loved and believed in had been so grossly butchered. Dogs dead. Perverted family members. People with ulterior motives that have their own ulterior motives. The story had been  graphic and she was trapped as a part of it; sometimes even venturing to make things right only to see that she had been plunked back to square one.

When she woke up, she looked around her to realise that it had all been a dream. Then it struck her. She had forgotten her medicines. Those tiny little round things that control how her mind would work. The headache was unbelievable.  It was hard for her to concentrate, to balance herself on the steady ground. Yet she woke up. She had to pretend to be a “normal” human being and go to work. No one would give a flying fuck about her nightmares or herself loathing or her inability to be all the things she wanted so bad.

So she got up. Steadied herself. Walked. Walked all the way to office, where people are sane, they are “normal”. Her head spinning, and aching and throbbing, she tried to concentrate. The overwhelming sense of her life being controlled by everything else but her took over. She shook it off and continued to try to be interested in what was going on around her.

She had come to the hard realisation, she would never fit in. Then she asked herself, did she want to? The bipolar answer she got enraged her. So headphones on, she started writing it all down. Seemed like the keys would do her justice. If it6 was out there it would make sense. What does the written word hold? A power to make thoughts permanent. Once it is out there it would make sense to someone else. Maybe.